The Mechanicals

	by Ray Aucott with a little help from Shakespeare

Theseus Duke of Athens 
Hippolyta the Amazon Queen.
Peter Quince, the carpenter – the Prologue. And Thisby’s Father
Snug, the joiner – Lion.
Nick Bottom, the weaver – Pyramus.
Francis Flute, the bellows-mender – Thisbe.
Snout, – Pyramus’s Father
Robin Starveling, the Scots tailor – Moonshine.
	Kate. The Inn Keeper, and the wall
	Oberon King of the Fairies
	Titania Queen of the fairies
	Puck (Robin Goodfellow)
	Cobweb, Peaseblossom, Moth and Mustardseed (fairies to Titania)
	Poet
	Herald, Dancers and singers

Act I scene I

	(Sitting talking and soft music playing)

Theseus:	Dear beautiful Hippolyta, four whole days and nights before the new 
Moon releases my passions upon you. I find myself trembling with desire.

Hippolyta:	(laughs). I too am waiting for the night of the new moon with a silver bow. But until then....we dream.

Theseus:	Let’s begin the excitement and stir everyone into a frenzy of happiness. Let’s awaken the festive spirit. This is the greatest wedding day in all Athens history. 
I won your heart Hippolyta not with gentle wooing but with a sword. To have gained your love after your capture is indeed a gift from God. Our marriage will be a celebration, a new beginning from wars into love.

Hippolyta:	A new beginning indeed. I do not see you as my keeper but as my love and protector. War is fading and being replaced with music and laughter. Let us go and help organise this my lord.

Theseus:	Come let us go together then and get the preparations underway.

Act I scene 1I

(At a local Tavern)

Quince:	Bottom. How many are there?

Bottom:	Err none?

Quince:	What do you mean none?

Bottom:	Did you let everyone know about the meeting.

Quince:	I thought you did that? 

Bottom:	Just jesting. Yes I let our village and the others know about it. I think they will be here soon. This is a great honour Quince. 

Quince:	Great honour or not, I will be cut into pieces if I don’t deliver on my promise to direct this play. I cannot do a play without actors.

Bottom:	They will be here soon I am sure. Let’s have another ale. Kate. two more ales.

Kate:		What are you two cooking up anyway?

Quince:	I have been chosen to direct a play for the wedding of Theseus Duke of Athens to Hippolyta the Amazon Queen and I am waiting for volunteers to play in the play.

Kate:		You have to be joking!!. Do you seriously think anyone going to volunteer for that. If you do it wrong they will have all your balls cut off and minced up for dinner.

Bottom:	Why would they do that?

Kate:		Because you are a bloke and if you make a mess of it you won’t be one for long.

Quince:	Kate. Our play will make the whole village proud.

Bottom:	And we will be magnificent!

Kate:		And where may I ask are these fantastic actors crowding through the door to get into see you? What play are you going to do anyway. I hope it’s funny and a good laugh.

Quince:	It is ‘The most lamentable comedy and most cruel death of Pyramus and Thisby’

Kate:		What! Sounds really exciting for a wedding! I would think they would not wait to get to bed after sitting through whatever you just called it. It sounds terrible.

Quince:	Yeah well I didn’t pick it the village committee did.

Kate:		And where may I ask is the village committee now? Mm! And you Bottom have never played in front of an audience before let alone royalty. In fact all you ever do is act like an ass all the time. You will all be hung drawn and quartered mark my words.

Bottom:	I can do anything you will see. I can direct it if Quince wants to back out. I can paint the set and design everything.

Quince:	Bottom! You cannot do everything and you are not going to direct this play. I have been chosen and I will do it. We will make it work.

Bottom:	Well if nobody turns up I will have to play all the parts anyway.

Quince:	No you can’t

Bottom:	Yes I can. I can change characters in a second. (Talks in different accents)

Quince:	Oh Dear! Get the Ale!!

(Robin enters the inn in a very broad Scots accent)

Robin:		Gimme some of ya best ale wench!

(All look not understanding)

Kate:		Are you talking to me?

Robin:		Aye!. Gimme some of ya best ale!

Bottom:	(Looks at Quince). What did he say?

Quince:	No idea he’s from another country overseas.

Robin:		Well woman. Ar ya gonny get me an ale. I’m parched an looking for someone like ya tae quench ma thirst.

Kate:		Now that I understand. Where you from Sir?

Robin:		A mountainous place called Scotland. Ah have come to ya bonny country tae find work as a tailor, an by the looks o their clothes they could dae wi one aroon here.

Bottom:	What do you mean by that….what’s wrong with our clothes. 

Quince:	What’s your name good sir?

Bottom:	Don’t tell him your name Quince!

Robin:		Robin Starveling at yer service….. Quince

Bottom:	What do you mean about our clothes? I have the very latest fashion and the cloth is woven by my own hand.

Robin:		Is that a fact ya say?,  yer style’s cracked as a fiddler wi nae strings!

Quince:	Bottom settle down now he means no harm to you. I will buy you the ale my good man. Kate

Kate:		I am on my way.

Quince:	Join us Robin. Just a quick question as you appear to be a very confident person.

Robin:		Ask awa.

Quince:	Have you ever been in a play?

Robin:		A what!

Bottom:	A play!  Don’t they do plays in wherever you said you come from.

Robin:		Ah you’re a wee scunner! (meaning impatient) ah am from Scotland the land of the brave!

Bottom:	What!

Robin:		What’s ya name son?

Bottom:	Bottom the weaver and lead man in our play.

Robin:		Bottom…Bottom! Ha yer bum’s oot the window (means talking rubbish) Gimme ya hand tae shake. Ah like ya. Ah think ah will stay and get tae know the lovely bonny wench behind the bar.

Kate:		Just so there is no mistaking sir, I am the inn keeper and this is my place. Mistake me not at your peril.

Robin. 		Mistress Ah would nae cross me sword wi ya.

Kate:		You keep your sword sheathed good sir.

Quince:	Can we get on with why we are here tonight. Now, Robin. Have you ever been in a play?

Robin:		Na can’t say as ah have. What do ya have ta doo?

Quince:	We have been told to put on a play for the wedding of Theseus Duke of Athens to Hippolyta the Amazon Queen.

Robin:		Awa we ya. mmm never heard of em.

Kate:		I think you would be very good and get to know the whole village and in the end that will be good for your new business as a tailor.

Robin:		So what do ah have ta do in this play? Do ah have to speak words.

Bottom:	That would be a problem Nobody will understand a word you’re saying anyway….Perfect!!

Quince:	I think it could work if what I have in mind playing Moonshine in the play.

Robin:		Ah! I get it. I have played moonshine in lots of places. Do you want me to show you (goes to take his trousers down)

All:		No. No not that. They would kill us all if you did that.

Quince:	No Robin this part would be to represent the moonshine in the sky. You would be play acting…..the moon….in the sky.

Robin:		Ah ah get it. Sounds stupid but ah get it. OK. So are there lots of people in this, what di ya call it?

Bottom:	A play. I’m in it playing the lead part and any other part as I am needed.

Quince:	Bottom. Go out and see how many people are waiting to see us.

		(Bottom goes and looks out the door. Comes back in with Tom Snout)

Quince:	Tom. Tom. Do you want to be in the play then.

Snout:		Er no not really. Do I have to speak?

Quince:	But it’s a play Tom and you are the shyest person in the village.

Snout:		Yes.

Quince:	Is that all you have to say. Yes.

Snout:		Yes.

Quince:	Right then! Read this script.

Snout:		I cannot read letters Quince.

Quince:	Right then! If I tell you what to do you won’t get frightened and run of half way through the play will you?

Snout:		I don’t think so. I really want to please everyone and make a name for myself and be brave in front of the Duke because I met him once.

Bottom:	You did?. When was this then.

Snout:		Well he went by in his coach through a puddle and I got a drenching.

Bottom:	That’s not meeting him!

Snout:		Ah yes cause he stopped the coach and told me I was a stupid boy standing in the wrong place and one day I need to make amends. So here I am.

Quince:	Right then. Ok you are in. That makes four of us now. I need a few more.

Bottom:	Well there is Snug and Francis Flute over there drinking. I will go and get them. 
		Masters Snug and Flute. I need you to volunteer to be in our wonderful play we are presented for the Theseus Duke of Athens to the Amazon Queen.

Flute:		Away you three inch fool.

Snug:		(both giggling over their beer) You bloated tongued toad.

Flute:		Thou sodden witted fool.

Snug:		What about. Thou art a boil!! (lots of giggles and insults)

Bottom	Ha very funny you two, you Elvish abortive, rooting hogs. (all howl with laughter)

Kate:		I have a question?
 
Robin:		Ay another ale will be great. Wench.

Kate:		Where did you say you were from again?

Robin:		Scotland my bonny lass.

Kate:		Mmmm Still never heard of it! Quince you have not asked me yet to be in the play.

Quince:	Don’t be silly. You know it is illegal. You’re a gal

Kate:		Yes and that’s silly. Why can’t women have their say. I work like you do and I have to pay my taxes. So why can’t I play.

Quince:	Because that is the law. It’s not my fault. Anyway there is not a part for you.

Robin:		Well write her one. Supposed to be your play.

Flute:		Yeah give her a part:

Snug:		Give her your part (lots of giggles again)

Kate:		You two have filthy dirty minds!! I could dress so no one would notice:

Quince:	And what if they do. I will lose my head.

Snug:		Talking about your head again?

Quince:	Enough now. You cannot be in it.

Robin:		Well ah will na be in it either if she cannot.

Snout:		She can play my part and speak for me then I can just be there.

Quince:	Stupid fool!

Bottom:	To settle this I think I should play all the parts then no arguments.

Quince:	Oh God help me. We have not even cast the play yet.

Robin:		Let her be in it. She can disguise herself..

Quince:	What say you all.

Snug:		Why ask us. We haven’t said we will do it yet.

Quince:	Well I have decided you are and that’s final. So how many do we have now. Put your hands up and I will count. You will have to look like a man or we are dead and dangled.

Snug:		If we have to do it, let’s celebrate.

Snout:		Good idea then we can all play. Come on Quince let’s get in the mood?

Robin:		Aye I’m all for it.

Kate:		Drink up lads, let’s make some money! For me anyway.

Bottom:	I think we should play a game, that will get us in the mood to play as players then we will all be good actors.

Quince:	God help me! (Bangs on table). We are here to decide on a place to rehearse.

Bottom:	I could rehearse in a privy and bring men to tears

Quince:	Lets Focus. If  Kate is going to be in the play we have to rehearse somewhere private to test her disguise.

Kate:		Get over it Quince, I will wear a cap and lower my voice, and flatten myself!

Snout:		I said before, she can have my part, and I will just stand at the back and look good.

Robin:		Ta best way is ta have a game to see who plays what part in ya play

Snug:		Yes a game I like games.

Bottom:	A great idea. What about a drinking game then to see who can hold their ale.

Quince:	God help me!. We came here to talk about the play.

Kate:		Great idea for my profit. Drink up lads.

(Kate brings the ale and Robin fills everyone’s tankards
The drunk scene: At the pub to decide where they are going to rehearse the play and it turns into a drinking game)

Robin:		The game can be who does the best lion’s roar by reading one line from ya play. If ya canna read words we can tell ya what to say. If the roar is too weak, all o’ ya are drinkin up!

Snug		I like lions.

Quince		This is Madness

Robin:		Ah will go first (takes a massive breath and says) The Foolish Self (as a roar)

Snout:		That’s not a real line.

Robin:		It doesn’t matter who’s line it is any will do. It’s a game. Did ah no roar it though. Drink up! (All drink)

Bottom:	 (jumps on a chair or table) My turn! Behold I am the lover…..Ppppp!

Snug:		You have forgotten the line!

Bottom:	Haven’t read it yet. I am taking a dramatic pause and anyway I can have poetic license. All drink now to my brilliance. (All drink)

Robin:		Snug you are next and don’t ye frighten us all haaa!

Snug:		(Lets out is tiny roar).

Kate: 		Sounds like a damp fart. Drink up. (all drinkl) My go now. In Low gruff voice “My love My Love” Was that a good road you lot’?

Bottom:	By god she’s good, better than all of you. Drink up lads and fight back.

Quince:	This is the end we are doomed. We will be dangled as talentless drunks.

Robin:		Cheer up man the game is decided.

Quince:	What has been decided?  You’re all drunk!

Robin:		Ta rehearse out of the way of prying eyes.

Bottom:	Has to be the forest then, the trees will be my audience.

Quince:	(Looks at them all grinning and in a stupor) May god have mercy on our souls. (He downs his tankard to the cheer of them all) All exit except Quince who falls asleep. Lights dim and hazy lights shine on Quince as in a dream as the poet enters also in the dream)

Act I  Scene III

(Dream Sequence)
Puck:		(Enters looks around and snaps his fingers)

Poet:		(Enter) A silent victory or a quiet time before the storm?

Quince:	I have on my shoulders doomed men and they deserve better. It is a shared delusion and a folly.

Poet:		Folly becomes the best stories. As a poet I collect these follies. They will believe you in the end. And the end is yet to come.

Quince:	They really wouldn’t know a true verse if it bit them in the… Anyway they are my friends and I am leading them to their public shame.

Poet:  		They may surprise you yet, finding in themselves something special they never though they had,  even the ass.

Quince:	What ass? What do you mean an ass?

Titania:	What awakes me from my dream? I swear I love you. You appear to meet through the silky web of my desire.

Poet:		The ass may find himself transformed, to be loved by a Queen. It has been known to happen, in stories.
Every man and woman has a heart and a role to play in life. You are their leader master Quince. You have to direct them not to show despair but belief. Let them bellow or be slow and then see them come together like we all intended. 

Quince:	We will rehearse in the forest then

Poet:		An excellent choice. The woods are a place of transformation. Things are rarely as they seem. Rehearse well, Master Quince. I have a feeling your play will be… memorable.

Puck:		(Snaps his fingers and the dream ends with Quince asleep)

Act I  Scene IV

(The house of Quince. The Morning After The Night Before)
(Peter Quince’s workshop. Wood shavings, and litter. A flat piece of wood with a rough-chalked crack represents "The Wall.")
(Next Morning: Quince is holding his head, looking at the wall. He looks pale. Snout is sitting on a stool, staring blankly at a single piece of paper with the word "YES" written on it.)
(A loud, pathetic groan from off-stage.Enter Snug, the joiner, clutching his stomach. He looks green.)
Snug: 	(Miserably) I feel like my brains have twisted together with a rusty nail. What happened?
Quince: 	(not looking up) We got pissed!. Kate’s Ale, Your’s, and Bottom’s crappy jokes. And my stupidity. Although…. (Thinking about the dream)
Snout:			Yes.
Quince:	Not now, Snout. I am thinking. You know how to say it now.
Snout:			Yes.
Quince:	(Quince sighs, looking at the Wall). Everything’s blank.
Enter Flute, looking even more miserable than Snug. He’s trying to rub a stain off his tunic.
Flute:		Oooh my head! I think I puked up in a helmet last night?
Quince:		It was mine stupid.
Flute:			Sorry. (He notices the Wall) Blow me down. Did we get invaded?
(Enter Robin  surprisingly sprightly, whistling a tune. He carries a small lantern and a bunch of leafy branches).
Robin:			Guid Mornin to ya, ya miserable lot! Ready to create havoc?
All: 			(Groan in unison, speak English!)
Snug:			Why are you upright?
Robin:	Och, this? This is nothing. This is any morn after a wee sip back home. You lot drink like wee lassies. Where’s the fearless leader? And the wench? Lovely Kate.
Quince:	Don’t call her that. And if you value your life, don’t mention last night to her. She threatened me with firewood where I did not want it to burn.
Flute:	What did we do last night? I remember Bottom reciting something about… rocks? And Snug meowing like a pussy cat.
Snug:			I did not meow!
Robin:	Aye, ya did. It was pathetic. And then I showed ya all what a real Scottish roar sounds like! (He takes a deep breath)
All  			(Shouting) NO!
Robin:	Ah Gringes all on ya. I’ve got me Moonshine props. Lantern, dog, and bush. See? Ah can remember what we talked aboot last night even if you lot of pussies can’t.
Flute:			Why have you got a bush?
Robin:	Do ya really want me to use my own moon? Where’s my part? Now do I have to say anything, or just stand there looking cheeky?
Quince:	Just… just stand there. Think moon!. Try not to speak. As nobody here will understand a word you are saying.
(Enter Kate, carrying a bucket of water and a loaf of bread.) 
Kate:	Right. Drink. All of you. You look like three-day-old corpses. And if any of you so much as mentions me from last night, and or mentions a sword, or a moon that isn’t in the sky, you’ll be cleaning my privy for a month.
All: 			(Mumble apologies, gratefully take water)
Robin:			Ah, the bonnie innkee…….. 
Kate:			Finish that sentence and you die!
Robin:			 (Smiling)…has brought us refreshments. Thank ya.
Quince:		Kate, you’re a saviour. Did… did we pay our bill?
Kate:	You tried to pay me with a dramatic soliloquy. It was not accepted. We’ll discuss it later. Now, are we doing this play or are we just going to stand around moaning? I didn’t agree to be a wall and plastered for nothing.
Flute:	But you did get plastered? (all look at him and Kate). Oops I cry for mercy mistress Kate. You said something last night that I play a girl
Snout:			Yes. (All look)
Quince: 	Yes…. Yes Flute not just a girl but a very important part and the lover. We have to rehearse this play as we are now committed. Well I think we are. We have to be good. Or we’re…
All: 			(In gloomy unison) Doomed and dangled
(Enter Bottom:, bursting through the door. very energetic, carrying costumes and beards. He seems utterly unaffected.)
Bottom:	Good morning, fellow players! Is this not a most glorious day to make hay? I have had a vision! A revelation! I was up all night, rehearsing all the parts by myself.
Quince:		You were under the table, Bottom. Snoring. Are we all here?
Bottom:	You had better call everyone by their part, so we know we are all here.

Quince:	Right! Here’s the script with every man’s name, and woman. 

Bottom:	First Peter Quince, tell us what the play is about, then read the names of the players especially the lead part. We can then begin.

Robin:		Is he fa real!

Snout:		Nah always away with the fairies.

Quince:	Bottom shut it!. I did all this last night. The play is ‘The most lamentable comedy and most cruel death of Pyramus and Thisby’.

Bottom:	A very good piece of work.

Flute:		You have never heard of it.

Bottom:	Yes I have.

Robin:		What’s the play called then?

Bottom:	Perymus and Pheebe.

Quince:	Let’s just get on with it shall we.	

Bottom:	Now Peter Quince, call forth your actors. Masters spread yourselves.

All:		What (etc all spread)

Quince:	Answer when I call your name. Nick Bottom the weaver.

Robin:		Oh my giddy haggis. May the wind blow up my Kilt?

Bottom:	Ready. Name my part, then we can carry on.

Quince:	You Nick Bottom are playing Pyramus.

Bottom:	What is Pyramus? A lover or a tyrant.

Quince:	A lover that kills himself...........for love.

Bottom:	I will bring tears to the eyes of all who look at me. I will move storms. Yet I think my urge is to be a tyrant. I could play Hercules.

The raging rocks
And shivering shocks
Shall break the locks
Of prison gates,
And Phibbus’s car
Shall shine from afar
And make and mar
The foolish fates.

You see what a tyrant Hercules is. A lover is more soft. Now name the rest of the players.

Quince:	Francis Flute.

Flute:		Here Peter Quince. 

Quince:	Flute, you must play Thisby.

Flute:		Ah good Quince you have changed your mind and I am now playing a wandering knight?

Quince:	No not quite. As I said, it is the lady, Pyramus falls in love with.

Flute:		Get out of here! I’m not playing a woman. I have just started to grow a beard and my voice has dropped an octave.

Quince:	Well that’s what you are playing. All you have to do is speak in a high voice.

Bottom:	Let me play Thisby too. I can speak with a tiny voice: ‘Thisby Oh Thisby. Pyramus my love my dear. It is me Thisby’.

Quince:	No. No you must play Pyramus and Flute you must play Thisby.

Bottom:	But....But....

Snout:		Yes

Quince:	Yes…No Not now! Robin Starveling.

Robin:		Aye. Ah am here as ya can all see. Do we have ta do all this? There are only six of us for god’s sake, ya can see we are all here.

Kate:		Excuse me! Seven.

Bottom:	Yes. Yes the magnificent seven!

Robin:		He’s no really here in the head is he.

Quince:	Ok Ok seven it is. Just doing it properly. Robin you will play Moonshine. Kate You will be part of the wall. As the part is only for one we will make it up as we go along and hope the none of them know the play. If they do it will be we will all be dangled from the nearest tree.

All:		What. I thought we were just doomed!!

Quince:	And dangled (Mimes Hanging). Snout?

Snout:		You know I am here.

Quince:	You play Pyramus’s father. Myself I will play Thisby’s father. Snug, the joiner, you play the lion. I think that’s everybody.

Robin:		Good at counting then.

Snug:		Is the lion’s part written? If it is, can I have it now, because I am really slow at learning. Good at drinking though!

Quince:	All you have to do is roar.
Bottom:		Let me play the lion. I will roar so loud and ferocious; the Duke will say ‘Let him roar again. Let him roar again!’ forming. But the roar! I have perfected it!
(Bottom takes a massive breath. Everyone braces.)
Kate:			Bottom, if you roar, this bread is going straight up your arse.
Bottom: 	You lack vision and passion My performance will be so magnificent, you will beg me to take on more roles! Now! To the woods! To rehearse most obscenely and courageously!
Quince:		It’s nine in the morning, Bottom.

Bottom:	Then we shall be the first players ever to rehearse with the morning dew as our audience! Come! To the forest! Our destiny awaits!
(Bottom strikes a pose and marches out the door.)
Quince: 		(To the others, deadpan) I’m going to be dangled, aren’t I?
Snug			Probably.
Flute:			Almost certainly.
Robin:			Aye, but it’ll be a good story we leave behind!
Kate:	Come on then, you lot. The sooner we start, the sooner it’s over. And try not to get us arrested. Or turned into fairies in the woods
Snout:			Yes.
(They all follow miserably after Bottom, a parade of impending doom) 

Act II Scene I

Oberon: 		Ah! We meet by moonlight my proud Titania.
Titania: 	Don’t talk to me, jealous Oberon. I will not share your bed or your company. (depending on your cast Fairies can be included)
Oberon: 		Not so hasty fair lady. You forget I am your lord.
Titania: 	I know you are here only because your mistress the Amazon warrior is about to be married to Theseus. And I ask why would a warrior Queen marry a king as she supposed to be a Queen of her own country.
Oberon: 	Shame on you Titania, especially with yourself being in love with Theseus. Theseus defeated her as you well know and this is how the world works.
Titania: 	Well it is about time this changed. This is pure jealousy Oberon. Women can be as strong and as important as men. We have not met with each other for a long time. Love was within us in an era gone by. But now the landscape has changed and has made us bitter and jealous. My dear Oberon, we have been apart too long. Evil has entered into your mind. I will show you what can be achieved. You will not win over me Oberon.
Oberon: 	It is within you to put this right. All I ask from you is for the changeling boy to become my servant.
Titania: 	Save your breath, you are not plucking the child from me. His mother was very close to me. We used to sit for many hours talking and laughing, and revelling well into the night. As you well know being mortal she died. I promised to raise the boy and I will. I will not part with that promise for you or anyone else.
Oberon: 		How long are you staying in my woods?
Titania: 	They are my woods also Oberon. I will stay until after Theseus’s wedding day. You are welcome to stay with me to join in my own moonlight revelling. 
Oberon: 		Give me the boy and I will stay.
Titania: 	You do not want the boy you are just jealous not having me anymore. Stay out of my way.
(Exit)
Oberon: 	Go then. I will not let you leave this forest until I torment you for my injury. 
Puck: 	Do you really want the boy my Lord?
Oberon: 	Ah you read me well Puck. (with a grin)
Do you remember once I sat upon a rock and heard a mermaid on a dolphin’s back singing the most beautiful song. Listen!(a song could be included here)
Puck: 			I remember it well.
Oberon: 	At the same time, cupid came armed, and shot a love arrow to pierce a thousand hearts. It fell on a little white flower, and I marked the spot. It is called love-in-idleness. Fetch it to me Puck. The juice placed into sleeping eyelids, will make any man or woman fall madly in love with the next being that they see. Go now and fetch me the petals.
Puck: 			I will go like the wind and bring it back.
Exit
Oberon: 	I will wait until Titania is asleep and then drop the juice upon her eyelids. The next thing she looks at, be it a lion, bear or a bull, she will pursue madly with the soul of love. She will not then want the boy. Someone is coming. I will stand aside so I can hear their conversation.
(Exit)

Act II Scene II

(Enter Quince, Bottom, Snug, Flute, Snout, Robin, and Kate)

Bottom:	Are we all here?

Quince:	Yes yes. This looks a great place for our rehearsal. This green patch
		here will be the stage. Right! We will do it as we are going to do it 
		front of the Duke.

Bottom:	Peter Quince?

Quince:	What’s the matter, Bully Bottom?

Bottom:	There are things in this comedy of Pyramus and Thisby that are not going to work. First Pyramus must kill himself with a sword; The ladies are not going to like that.

Snout:		A fear well founded Bottom.

Snug:		I think we should leave all the killing out of the play.

Bottom:	Not quite my good fellows. I have been thinking and now have a plan. Write me a prologue so I can say, “We will do no harm with our swords and Pyramus is not really killed and I am not really Pyramus, but Bottom the weaver”. This should put them out of their fear.

Quince:	So be it! We will then have a prologue and I shall write it.

Snout:		Won’t the ladies be afraid of the lion?

Robin	:	Nobody is scared of a lion where ah come from

Kate:			Do they have lions where you come from? Where do you come from again?

Robin:		Scotland!  And no tha don’t.

Kate:		Well how do you know nobody is scared of lions.

Robin:		Because Scots are not scared of anythin. 

Bottom:	Masters, we ought to think on this very carefully. To bring on a lion among all these ladies is a most dreadful thing. It is a most fearful animal.

Snout:		Therefore another prologue must tell he is not a lion.

Robin:		Stupid. He wouldn’t scare a dicky bird.

Bottom:	No. I have a better plan! Half his face must be seen through the lion’s neck and he himself must speak, saying something like, “Ladies” or “Fair Ladies, I would wish you”, or “I would request you”, or “I would entreat you, not to fear and not to tremble, for if I come here as a real lion I would fear for my life.........No I am no such animal. I am a man!” Then let him name his name and tell them he is Snug the joiner.

Robin:		Stupid Sassenach (English person)

Quince:	Alright we will do that. Now there is hard problems to overcome

Kate:		You should be so lucky.

All		All laugh and giggle.

Quince:	Quiet I am serious. How to bring the real moonlight into the chamber, because Pyramus and Thisby meet by moonlight.

Snout:		Does the real moon shine the night we perform our play?

Bottom:	A calendar, a calendar! Look in the almanac. Look under moonshine.

Quince:	I just happen to have one! 

Robin:		Of course ya doo! 
		Ah am the moon!!

Quince:	Yes, it does shine that night.

Bottom:	We could leave the window open so the moon shines in.

Kate:		Will there be a window?

Bottom:		Good point! We could have someone come on with a bush of thorns and a lantern and say he has come to present the person of moonshine. 

Robin:		Stupid. Your all stupid. I have already said that and have my own moon, lantern and bush. What do you think these are for?

Quince:	Will you stop saying stupid. Yes this is all set with Robin. The other problem is that the wall could be too big for Kate to hold.

Snout:		We could never bring in a real wall. It would be too heavy. 

Quince:	It’s just a plank.

Bottom:	Kate will be holding the wall, then she can hold her fingers like this, and through this little hole Pyramus and Thisby can whisper. What do you think Kate?

Kate:		I am not showing my little hole to anybody.

(They all laugh)

Quince:	Then everything is right. We have no problems. Right! We can start rehearsing your parts. Pyramus you begin. When you have finished go over there until your cue comes for you to enter.

(Enter Puck)

Puck:		What homespun simpletons do we have here, so near to the Fairy Queen’s ground. (Laughs) A play! I think I will watch and may even take part if it needs a little life and fun.

Quince:	Speak Pyramus. Thisby, get ready.

Bottom:	Thisby, the flowers of odious savours sweet.........

Quince:	Odorous, odorous.

Bottom:	Odors savours sweet;
So hath thy breath, my dearest Thisby dear.
But hark a voice! Stay thou but here awhile,
and by and by I will to thee appear.

(Exit)

Puck:		A strange Pyramus indeed.
Oberon:		Welcome wanderer. Have you the flower.
Puck: 			Yes, I have it here.
Oberon: 	Give it to me. I know where Titania will be sleeping tonight. Among all the flowers, dancing and frolicking, I will make her dream in her sleep, then will streak her eyes with the juice and make her full of hateful fantasies. Puck let’s make it happen, and have fun with these simpletons and my lady.
Exit Oberon
Puck: 	You can trust me my lord. I will have my own fun tonight.
(Exit)

Flute:		Do I speak now? (Robin falls asleep)

Quince:	Yes you must speak now! Pyramus has heard a noise, so he has gone to see what it is. On your cue he comes back again.

Flute:		Most radiant Pyramus, most lily-white of hue,
Of colour like the red rose on triumphant brier,
Most brisky juvenal, and eke most lovely Jewel,
As true as the truest horse, that yet would never tire,
I’ll meet thee Pyramus, at Ninny’s tomb.

Quince:	‘Ninus’ tomb, man. You must not say that yet anyway. You say that to Pyramus. You spoke everything together, cues and all. Pyramus you must enter now. Your cue has been said. It is ‘never tire’.

Flute:		As true as the truest horse, that yet would never tire.

(Enter Puck and Bottom with the ‘Ass Head’)

Bottom:	If I were fair, Thisby, I am yours only.

Quince:	Oh my Cod Piece!! What is this? We are haunted, run for your lives..........help...........help.

(All exit in general panic except Bottom and Puck and Robin who is asleep)

Puck:		(Laughing) I will lead you all a merry little dance. I will become a bear or a hog and I’ll bark and roar at every turn.

Bottom:	Why do you all run away? They are doing this to make me afraid. Come on you have had your fun now let’s get on with the play.

(Enter Snout)

Snout:		O Bottom you have changed. What do I see on your head?

Bottom:		What do you see on my head! It’s my head on my neck. What do you think I am an Ass or something!

Snout:		Yes that is exactly what I think you are.

Bottom:	Snout come back enough!

(Exit Snout. Enter Quince)

Quince:	I pray for you Bottom. You have changed! You have a spell on you.

(Exit) Robin wakes and finds the flower and smells the fragrance)

Bottom:	I can see through their little joke. They are trying to make an ass out of me. To frighten me. But they will not frighten me! I will stay here! I will walk up and sing, so they will hear I am not afraid.

The woosel cock so black of hue,
With orange-tawny bill,
The song thrush with his note so true,
The wren with little quill........

(Titania is awakened by Bottom singing)

Titania:	What angel wakes me from my dreams?

(Robin wakes up)

Robin:		Where am I?

Bottom:		The finch, the sparrow, and the lark,
			The plain-song cuckoo grey,
			Whose note full many men doth mark,
			And dare not answer nay.

Titania:	Please gentle mortal, sing again. 

Robin:		Na please da not sing again. Let us kiss sweet Bottom. (to Bottom)

Bottom:	Get out of it. Get away! What are you doing are you mad!?

Titania:		Your melodious voice and beautiful shape has touched my heart. This is the first time my eyes have set upon you, but I swear, I love you.

Robin:		Ah saw him first! (both pushing to get first)

Bottom:	What ya doing Robin. I don’t want to kiss you. Have you gone mad. Begone you fool. Get away, while I woo this fair lady. 
		My lady I think you should have little reason to love me and yet why do you need a reason with one so handsome.

Titania:	You are wise as well as beautiful.

Robin:		I don’t know about wise but he is gorgeous. Come here Bottom. I loved you since 60 seconds ago!

Titania:	I will put a spell on you if you do not get out of my way.

Robin:		Well actually you are pretty nice yourself.

Bottom:	No I’m not. 

Robin:		I mean this lady.

Bottom:	I thought it was me a minute ago.

Robin:		It was but ya would not gi me a kiss

Bottom:	If I had enough wit to get out of this forest, I would. 
		I have to get out of this forest. I know this is only a dream. I will wake
		up soon. This is madness.

Titania:	You will not leave these woods, you shall stay here with me, whether
		You want to or not. I am no common spirit. I am Queen of the fairies.
		Therefore come with me and I will give you fairies to attend to you.
		You can sing to us all, while I purge you of your mortal grossness.
		Cobweb, Moth, Mustardseed.

Robin:		What about me?

Titania:	What about you?

Robin:		Where do I go and who do I go with. Can I join in. It’s my dream as
		Well.

Cobweb:	Ready my Queen.

Moth:		And I my Lady.

Mustardseed:	I am here. What is your wish my Lady?

Titania:	I want you to be kind to this gentleman. I want you all to look after him
		As one of our own. Feed him with the best apricots and strawberries. I
		Want you to pamper him and light the way for him to my bed. Bow to
		him my elves and show him your courtesies.

Robin:		Woooh! Ah want to be part of this.

Bottom and Titania:	Go away!

Cobweb:	Hail mortal.

Moth:		Hail mortal.

Mustardseed:	Hail mortal.

Bottom:	Well........I like this. Please.........what are your names?

Cobweb:	Cobweb.

Bottom:	I hope I get to know you better good Cobweb. If I get bitten by a spider
		I shall call upon you. Your name my little one.

Moth:		Moth.

Bottom:	Well master Squash....

Moth:		Moth!

Bottom:	Well little Moth if I need you I will call upon your wit. 
		Your name my good elf?

Mustardseed:	Mustardseed.

Bottom:	Good Mustardseed. I will have you know you bring water to big beefy
		men’s eyes. I am pleased to know you.

Titania:	Come. Wait upon him and bring him to my bower, but keep him quiet.

Robin:		What about me?

Everyone:	Go away and get lost!!!

(Exit)

Act II Scene III

(Enter Oberon)

Oberon:	I wonder if Titania is awake yet. I would dearly love to know what
		Beast she first looked at (laughs). Ah here comes Puck. Well now my
		Mad spirit. What has happened during the night?

Puck:		(Laughing). She has fallen in love with an ass.

Oberon:	Quick tell me more.

Puck:		Well. While the Lady was sleeping, I came across a group of unrefined
		villagers rehearsing a play for Theseus’s wedding day. I thought would
		have a laugh with them. One in particular was playing the part of
		Pyramus, I’ve never seen anything so funny!, anyway after he had
		Finished his scene he retreated into the woods to await his next cue. I
		Took advantage and put an ass’s head on him, so when he entered,
		blind panic fell upon the rest of the cast. They scattered and bumped
		into each other as they ran around trying to escape. I couldn’t stop
		laughing! But it didn’t stop there. Pyramus was left singing in
fear with another villager, and just at that very moment, Titania woke and fell immediately in love with the ass. 

Then to cap it off one of the villagers had fallen asleep and must have rubbed some of the flower in his eyes and when he woke he fell in love with both of them.
		including the ass! 

Oberon:	Perfect.

(Enter Titania, Bottom, Cobweb, Moth, Mustardseed and Oberon)

Titania:	Come. Sit with me on my flowery bed, while I stroke your gentle head and kiss your large ears.

Bottom:		Cobweb.

Cobweb:		I am here master.

Bottom:	Scratch my head......oooooooh that’s better. Now go off and bring me a bag of honey. Be careful not to break it, I would hate to see you covered in honey.

Cobweb:		(Aside) So would I.

Bottom:		Mustardseed, where are you?

Mustardseed:		I am at your service.

Bottom:		Give me your hand.

Mustardseed:		What do you want my hand for?

Bottom:	Nothing. I only want you to help me scratch my head. I must have my hair cut, it is growing so quickly and is tickling my face.........I must scratch.

Titania:		Would you like to hear some music my love.

Bottom:	I would rather have something to eat, my precious one. If you don’t mind.

Titania:		Of course not. What would you like?

Bottom:		I could munch a bag of oats or a bottle of hay.

Titania:	I have an adventurous fairy who will seek out a squirrel’s hoard so you can have fresh nuts. Moth come here little one.

Moth:			I am here at your command ma’am.

Titania:		I want you to find the crunchiest nuts you can find.

Moth:			Trust in me my fairy Queen.

Bottom:		Nuts again! I pray you, let your people rest, I am feeling a little sleepy.

Titania:	Sleep soundly my love entwine within my arms. Fairies begone. Gentle beast. O how I love you. How I dote on you. Sleep well.

Robin:	I am still here. Who wants me?

(Enter Puck)

Bottom:	(Wakes) When my cue comes, call me and I will answer. My next is ‘Most fair Pyramus’.........Peter Quince where are you. Flute, Starveling, Snout, Snug. Oh my life! They have gone and left me and let me sleep. I had the most rare vision. I had a dream past the wit of most men. They will think I am an ass if I tell them. But there again I will be an idiot if I do not. The eyes of man has not heard, the ear of man has not seen, man’s hand is not able to taste, or his tongue to conceive, nor his heart to report what my dream was. I will get Peter Quince to write a ballet of this dream. It shall be called ‘Bottom’s Dream’, because it has no bottom and I will sing it at the end of the play, before the Duke.

(Exit followed by Robin rubbing his eyes))

Act III   Scene I

  (Enter Quince, Flute, Snout,)

Quince:		Have you been to Bottom’s? Is he home?

Flute:			If he does not come soon, we won’t be able to perform the play.

Quince:	That’s right master Flute. There is not a man in all Athens able to play Pyramus as he can.

Flute:			He has the best wit of any man alive.

Quince:		Yes he is the best person with such a sweet voice.

Flute:			God bless him. And where is Robin. He hasn’t been seen either.

(Enter Snug)

Snug:	Masters. They are coming. It looks as though lots of people are getting married not just the Duke. If we could have performed our play, we would have been made for life.

Flute:	O sweet Billy Bottom. Now you are not here, we won’t get paid, and won’t get praised for our efforts. And who will play Robins part if he has disappeared. Very funny things happening in the woods.

(Enter Bottom followed by Robin)

Bottom:		Where are you lads.

Quince:		Bottom, Robin! This is a most happy hour for us all.

Bottom:	Masters. I have dreamt wonders beyond belief. But don’t ask me about it now, I will tell you everything later.

Robin:	Ah think ah had the same dream!

Quince:		Let us hear it now sweet Bottom.

Bottom:	Not a word will you hear just yet. I will tell you though, the Duke has dined. Get your gear together, new strings for your beards and meet me at the palace. Every man look over his part, for the good news is our play is preferred. Let Thisby have clean linen and the lion must sharpen his claws. And most dear actors, eat no onions or garlic, for we are to talk with sweet breath. And do not doubt they will love us. No more words. Away. Let’s go.

Robin:	Just a minute. I dream’t I kissed you in my dream.

Bottom:	I dream’t that as well errrh!

(Exit)

Act III SceneII
(A corridor or antechamber just outside the great hall of Theseus’s Palace. The sound of a lavish feast and celebration can be heard from within.)
They are huddled together, a bundle of nerves.
Flute:	(Peeking through a crack in the door) There are so many of them! Lords and ladies! And the Duke! And the Amazon Queen! I think I’m going to be sick.
Snug:	My claws won’t sharpen. They’re made of felt. And my roar still sounds like a kitten with a cough.
Quince:	(To Snug) Just… meow fiercely. It’s the best we can do. Where is Robin with the lantern?
Robin:	(Materializing beside them, holding his lantern and bush)
Och, stop yer fretting. It’s just a room full of posh folk. They’ve probably never seen anything as real as us. It’ll be a revelation for them.
Bottom:	The man from Scotland speaks the truth! Remember, we are the artists. They are merely the audience. They are here to receive our gift. Now, has everyone reviewed their parts? No onions? Good linen, Flute?
Flute:			My linen is clean, but my knees are knocking together.
Kate:	(As she is, holding the wall flat)I still say this is a terrible idea. We should tell them Bottom’s been… translated… and we can’t perform.
Bottom:	Nonsense! My transformation was but a dream, a fleeting fantasy! I am now, as you see me, the quintessential Pyramus, more ready than ever! The dream has… improved my artistry.
Quince:		A herald approaches!
(A Herald enters, looking down his nose at the dishevelled group.)
Herald:	Players? For the… interlude? His Grace, Duke Theseus, and the assembled company are ready for you. Try to be brief. And comprehensible.
Bottom:	(Sweeping a grand bow) Noble Herald, tell them the greatest tragedy ever conceived is moments away from gracing their presence!
Herald:			(Muttering as he leaves) God help us all.
(A moment of stunned silence after he leaves. The reality hits them.)
Snug:			We’re really doing this.
Flute:			We’re going to be dangled.
Quince:	(His voice trembling with a mix of terror and duty)
Places, everyone. Remember the plan. Snug, you enter from the left after my speech. Kate, you stand centre and don’t move. Bottom… for the love of all that is holy, try not to… improvise.
Bottom:	Improvise? I shall inhabit the text! I shall breathe life into the very words! Follow my lead!
Robin:	Aye, we’ll follow ya right off a cliff, most like. Ah still think about that kiss. Did you feel it?
Bottom:		Onward! To glory! Or to the gallows! But mainly to glory!
(Bottom puffs out his chest and strides confidently toward the door to the great hall. The others look at each other, a pitiful army of the doomed, and shuffle reluctantly after him.)
Quince:		(To himself, the last to go) God, I wish I’d become a fisherman.
(He takes a deep breath and follows ready to go into the hall. The sound of the feast grows louder for a moment as the door opens, then fades as it swings shut.)
Great Hall
(The long banquet table is a wreck of finished plates, empty goblets, and the dregs of syllabub. The air is thick with the warmth of wine and forced politeness. A POET, gaunt and pale, stands on a small dais, clutching a sheaf of parchment. He reads in a droning, nasal monotone.)
Poet:	(voice trembling with self-importance) "...And so the zephyr, wan and pale, did sigh upon the gilded vale,
A tear of dew, a whispered note, caught in the lark's unearthly throat—"
All bored and falling asleep including Theseus and Hippolyta
Poet:			"Behold! The languid willow's sweep—"
Theseus’s eyes flick to his Herald, and gives a shake of his head.
Herald:	His Grace, Duke Theseus, and the assembled company have finished their meal. We’ve had enough of poetry for one night.
A wave of relief. Shoulders slump in gratitude. The Poet’s mouth hangs open, his next words dying on his lips.
Theseus:	A valiant effort, good sir. You have journeyed deep into the realms of metaphor and returned… with many a thoughtful word. The court thanks you.
The Poet, gives a stiff bow and shuffles away, defeated.
Theseus:	My friends, your ears have been patient soldiers. They deserve a reprieve. Let us have music! Let there be dancing! Something to stir the blood after so much… stirring of the soul.
(A grateful cheer rises from the courtiers. Musicians in the gallery, who had long since put down their instruments, quickly scramble for lutes and pipes.  As the lively first notes of a galliard fill the hall, Hippolyta leans toward Theseus, a wry smile on her lips.)
Hippolyta:		“Enough of poetry?” That was merciful, if not subtle.
Theseus:	I fear one more stanza on the zephyr, and we would all have been wan and pale. Some things, my dear, are best enjoyed in moderation. A bad poet requires the courage of a general to stop.
(Takes her hand)
Theseus:	Shall we? I believe my ears require the much more pleasant torture of your instruction in this new step.
(The room goes from sullen listening to  lively movement. The galliard is in full music and dance can be entered in here to suit. The Mechanicals, shuffle into the hall led by the profoundly anxious Quince.)
Flute:	(whispering to Quince) There he is! The Duke his own self! Oh, his doublet is a thing of wonder, is it not?
Snug:	(wide-eyed)
By my beard, it is. I’ve not seen so much silk since the merchant’s cart overturned on market day.
Quince:	Hush, all of you! And stand up straight! Remember, we are artisans, not common beggars. Snout, tuck in your shirt. Robin, stop bowing to the serving wenches. We are here on a matter of theatrical business.
(Quince smooths down his own hastily-trimmed beard, clutching a rolled-up copy of "The Most Lamentable Comedy and Most Cruel Death of Pyramus and Thisbe." He tries to catch the eye of the Herald, who is watching the dance.)
Bottom:	(To himself, practicing) "O grim-looked night! O night with hue so black! O night, whichever art when day is not!" No... perhaps more chest. More feeling.
(unaware he's backing directly into the path of the dancing Duke and Duchess. Theseus, leading Hippolyta in a spin, has to stop abruptly to avoid colliding with the Bottom.) The musicians falter. The dance stumbles to a halt. All eyes turn to the six frozen, mortified tradesmen at the centre of the floor.)
(Bottom turns, realizes who he has almost bowled over, and lets out a squeak of terror. He drops into a deep, crooked bow, followed by a chaotic wave of scrambling bows from the others.)
Bottom:	Your Grace! Pardon! A thousand pardons! I was… inhabiting the character! The night! It is a sprawling role!
(Theseus looks down at the prostrate man, then at Hippolyta, amused. The stern Herald moves to shoo them away.)
Herald:			You there! Clear the floor! What are you doing—
Theseus holds up a hand, silencing the Herald.
Theseus:	Peace, peace. We have had our dance. Now here is a new entertainment. Who are you, that bring your rehearsals so… vigorously into my court?
Quince steps forward, trembling, and unrolls his parchment.
Quince:	I am Peter Quince, a carpenter, if it please your Grace. And this is… our company.
Snug:			(A little too loud) Joiner!
Quince elbows him.

Quince:	We come most humbly to petition your Grace. Knowing of the great joys and solemnities of your upcoming nuptials, we have devised and rehearsed—most strenuously!—an interlude. A play of most rare and tragic mirth.
Theseus:		A play, you say? And what is the title of this epic?
Quince:	"The Most Lamentable Comedy and Most Cruel Death of Pyramus and Thisbe."
Hippolyta:		A heavy title for a night of joy. Is it a long play?
Bottom:	(Springing up, forgetting his place)
Not a whit, my Lady! It is as succinct as a well-told tale! Though the passions are vast! I play Pyramus, a lover who dies most gallantly—
Flute:	(Also springing up)
And I, Thisbe! A lady! I die of grief, but with great conviction!
Theseus: 		chuckles, a rich, warm sound that eases the tension.
Theseus:	"Lamentable Comedy" and "Cruel Death." You promise a world of opposites. We are intrigued. What say you, my love? Shall we have a break from courtly verse for something more… earnest?
Hippolyta:		I should like to see what their striving has wrought.
Theseus:	Then it is settled. We shall have your play, good Master Quince. Perform it for our wedding festivities.
(The Mechanicals are struck dumb with joy and terror. They begin bowing and thanking the Duke in a chaotic, overlapping chorus.)
Quince:	Oh, your Grace! Thank you! We shall not disappoint! We have a man who roars most fearsomely for a lion! And a wall! With mortar and all!
Theseus:	A wall? With mortar? Now that is a novelty. We shall look forward to it.
(He offers his arm to Hippolyta as the musicians begin to play again, leading her away from the stunned and ecstatic players.)
Bottom:	(Whispering fervently to Quince)
Did you hear? He is intrigued! I told you! He recognized the scope of it! Quick, Let’s begin.

Act III Scene III

(Players enter their positions to the sound of trumpets)

Prologue:		It is our wish not to offend.
We would never come here lords and ladies to......offend.
We come with good will to show our simple skill and we will be honest to the end and we have come to entertain you and not to frighten you the actors are here so you will see I speak the truth.

Theseus:		This fellow does not pay much attention to punctuation marks.
He doesn’t know when to stop.

Hippolyta:		Indeed he has played his prologue like a child on a recorder.

Theseus:		His speech is like a tangles chain. Who is next?

(Enter Pyramus, Thisby, Wall, Moonshine and Lion)

Prologue:	Gentle lords and ladies. If you wonder at our show, we will show you the truth. This man is Pyramus and this beauteous lady is Thisby whom Pyramus loves. This man with lime and plaster all over him represents the vile wall through whose chink the lovers talk to each other and whisper their love. The man with the lantern, dog, and bush of thorns is moonshine. Because the lovers meet at Ninus’s tomb to woo each other in the moonlight. This grisly beast is the lion who frightens Thisby so much she falls over and the vile creature rips her mantle to bits. At this point the tall handsome and sweet Pyramus enters and finds Thisby’s ripped mantle. Where at with blade, with bloody blameful blade, he bravely broached his boiling bloody breast, and Thisby all this time is hiding in fear in the mulberry bush. So Pyramus dies by his own hand while everybody else lives to the end.

Theseus:		I wonder if the lion speaks?

Hippolyta:		Why not my Lord? If all the asses speak so should the lion.

Wall:	I would like to tell you about the wall mentioned in the prologue, you know, the one with the crannied hole or chink, through which the lovers’ Pyramus and Thisby, whisper sweet love to each other. This loam and roughcast and this stone shows I am a wall. But it is really me.....Ka..Ka  Kane.....I play the wall. You see I stand here very sinister looking and you see this.......this, is the hole through which the lovers whisper.

Theseus:	Would you like some more lime to speak better? It is the wittiest wall I have ever heard my Lord.

Theseus:		Pyramus comes to the wall. Silence!

Pyramus:		O grim-looked night, O night with hue so black,
O night, whichever art when day is not!
O night, O night, alack, alack, alack,
I fear my Thisby’s promise is forgot.
And thou, O wall, O sweet, O lovely wall,
That stand’st between her father’s ground and mine,
Thou wall, O wall, O sweet and lovely wall,
Show me thy chink, to blink through with mine eyes.
(Wall makes hole to look through)
Thanks, courteous wall. Jove shield thee well.
But what see I? No Thisby do I see.
O wicked wall, through whom I see no bliss,
Cursed by thy stones for thus deceiving me!

Theseus:		I think the wall should curse again.

Pyramus:	No in truth sir, he should not. You see Thisby’s cue is ‘deceiving me’ She is to come in now and I am to look at her through the wall. All will become clear. Here she comes now.

Thisby:		O wall, full often hast thou heard my moans,
For parting my fair Pyramus and me.
My cherry lips have often kissed thy stones,
Thy stones with lime and hair knit up in thee.

Pyramus:		I see a voice. Now will I to the chink,
To spy and hear my Thisby’s face. Thisby!

Thisby:		My love! Thou art my love, I think.

Pyramus:		Think what thy will. I am thy lover’s grace;
And, like Limander, I am trusty still.

Thisby:		And I, like Helen, till the fates me kill.

Pyramus:		Not Shafalus to Procrus was so true.

Thisby:		As Shafalus to Procrus, I to you.

Pyramus:		O, kiss me through the hole of this vile wall.

Thisby:		I kiss the wall’s hole, not your lips at all.

Pyramus:		Wilt thou at Ninny’s tomb meet me straightway?

Thisby:		Tide life, tide death, I come without delay.

Wall:	Thus have I, wall, finished my part, so now I have to get off....because I have finished.

Hippolyta:		This is the silliest play I have ever heard.

Theseus:		This is good. Let your imagination run wild for a time.

Hippolyta:		Maybe they should use some imagination my Lord.

Theseus:	Don’t think any worse of them than they do themselves. They may pass as excellent men. Here comes the noble beast.

Lion:	You ladies, you whose gentle hearts do fear the smallest monstrous mouse that creeps upon the floor, will both quake and tremble here when the lion, in its wildest rage roars. But then know I am only Snug the joiner. I wouldn’t really bring a lion into the palace. I mean it would be more than my life is worth. So when I roar, it is really me and not a real lion.

Theseus:		A very gentle beast.

Hippolyta:		This lion is a fox for his valour.

Theseus:		True. And a goose for his discretion.

Hippolyta:	Not so my Lord. For his valour cannot carry his discretion, because the fox carries the goose.

Theseus:		Well then let’s leave it to his discretion and let us listen to the moon.

Moon:			This lantern represents the moon and ah am the man in the moon......

Hippolyta:		He should have worn the horns on his head.

Theseus:		Perhaps the horns are invisible.

Moon:	This horn lantern represents the moon and ah am the man in the moon.

Theseus:	This is the greatest error of all. This man should be put inside the lantern or how else can he be the man in the moon. And I do not understand what language he is talking

Hippolyta:		I am weary of this moon. When is he going to do something?

Theseus:	It appears by his light, he is going out anyway. But in courtesy we must see the play to the end. Proceed, moon.

Moon:	All I have to tell ya is this horn lantern, you see it’s made of horn...... And ah am the man in the moon and this thornbush is my thornbush and this dog is my dog.

Hippolyta:	I think we should put them all in the lantern. But silence, here comes Thisby.

Thisby:		This is old Ninny’s tomb. Where is my love?

Lion:			O!!....(the lion roars and Thisby runs away)	

Theseus:		Well  run Thisby. Well roared Lion.

Hippolyta:		Well shone moon. Truly the moon shines with a good grace.

(The lion tears Thisby’s mantle)

Theseus:		Well moused lion.

Pyramus:		Sweet moon, I thank thee for thy sunny beams;
I thank thee, moon, for shining now so bright;
For, by thy gracious, golden, glittering gleams,
I trust to take of truest Thisby sight.
But stay O sprite!
But mark, poor knight,
What dreadful dole is here?
Eyes, do you see?
How can it be?
O dainty duck, O dear!
Thy mantle good,
What stained with blood?
Approach, ye furies fell!
O fates, come, come,
Quail, crush, conclude, and quell!

Theseus:	This passion and death of a dear friend is enough to make a man look very sad.

Hippolyta:		By my heart, I do pity this man.

Pyramus:		O, wherefore, nature, didst thou lions frame?
Since lion vile hath here de-flowered my dear;
Which is....no, no! Which was the fairest dame
That lived, that loved, that liked, that looked with cheer.
Come tears, confound,
Out, sword and wound
The pap of Pyramus:
Ay, that left pap
Where heart doth hop
(He stabs himself)
Thus die I, thus, thus, thus,
Now I am dead,
Now I am fled,
My soul is in the sky.
Tongue, lose thy light,
Moon take thy flight.
Now die, die, die, die, die
(Dies)

Hippolyta:		Well he is no more. He is dead for nothing.

Theseus:	With the help of a surgeon he might recover and yet prove to be an ass.

Hippolyta:	Why has moonshine gone before Thisby comes back to find her lover?

Theseus:	We will soon find out. Here she comes now. Her passion should mark the end of the play.

Hippolyta:		I hope she will be brief.

Theseus:		We will see, she has spied him already with those sweet eyes.

Thisby:		Asleep, my love?
What, dead, my love?
O Pyramus, arise!
Speak, speak. Quite dumb?
Dead, dead? A tomb.
Must cover thy sweet eyes.
These lily lips,
This cherry nose,
These yellow cowslip cheeks,
Are gone, are gone.
Lovers, make moan.
His eyes were green as leeks.
O sister three,
Come, come to me,
With hands as pale as milk;
Lay them in gore,
Since you have shore,
With shears his thread of silk.
Tongue, not a word.
Come, trusty sword,
Come, blade, my breast imbrue!
(Stabs herself)
And farewell, friends.
Thus Thisby ends.
Adieu, adieu, adieu. 
(Dies)

(Enter Lion, Moonshine and Wall)

Theseus:		Only moonshine and lion are left to bury the dead.

Hippolyta:		And the wall.

Bottom:	No I assure you the wall has been knocked down. Would you like to see the epilogue or see a Bergamasque dance.

Theseus:	No epilogue please! The play needs no excuse. For when the players are all dead, there is no one to blame, but come, your Bergamasque.

(A dance)

The clock has now struck midnight, so to bed lovers. It is almost time for the fairies. It has been a good night, and everyone is happy. Come good folk. Come my fair Hippolyta.

Act III Scene IV

(Enter Puck)

Puck:	As the mortals sleep, we the fairies follow darkness, like a dream and protect this house from the harms of the evil. I am sent to sweep the dust behind the door.

(Enter Oberon)

Oberon:		Now, until the break of day,
Through this house each fairy stray.
To the best bride, bed will we
Which by us shall blessed be;
And the issue there create
Ever shall be fortunate,
So shall all the couples three.
Ever true in loving be;
And let natures hand
Upon their children be.
This house is blessed,
Meet our fairies, at daybreak.

(Exit)

Puck:			If we shadows have offended,
Think but this, and all is mended
That you have but slumbered here
While these visions did appear.
And this weak and idle theme,
No more yielding but a dream,
Gentles, do not reprehend.
If you pardon, we will mend.
And, as I am an honest Puck,
If we have unearned luck,
Now to scape the serpent’s tongue,
We will make amends ere long;
Else the Puck a liar call.
So, goodnight unto you all.
Give me your hands, if we be friends,
And Rodin shall restore amends.